Friday, June 3, 2016

Why I Am Proud Today

    I sat on my couch shaking. All I could think about was the different ways I can die today. Someone could walk in the door and kill me, an earthquake can tear apart my apartment, or some sort of electrical freak accident would burst everything to flames. My thoughts were racing. I could not focus on the television for the life of me.
     Are these thoughts that everyone have everyday? Or were these all symptoms of a manic episode? I don't know much about bipolar disorder. Other than I have it. At this moment though it feels like it has me.
     I didn't know if I should call my doctor. I had just been seen by a doctor a few days ago and she decided to start me on a new medication. But then I began to fear my own medication and it's side effects. I wanted to flush them down the toilet. Instead I decided to call my closest friends to distract myself.
     When none of them answered I finally decided to call my dad and ask him for help. So I packed my bags and decided to spend the rest of the week with him. This was the hardest thing for me to do. I don't like to ask my parents for help unless I really need it. My dad didn't think there was anything wrong with me. He was used to seeing his daughter strong. But when he saw me crying and shaking with fear I think it finally hit him.
     I still believe that I am that strong girl he raised. Because it took everything inside of me to reach out for help. Even though my first attempt was a little bit of a disappointment I was able to try again.
    I don't feel as scared anymore. Just a little wired. But it feels great to be with family and out of that place of loneliness in my apartment.

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